I have a gift.

I have a gift, and it is this:

I have the amazing supernatural ability to be good at things I don't understand.  I'm talking intellectual things that involve the cranium. Excluded from this ability is AP Physics in High School.  I didn't understand a word, and I got a C...which actually I suppose is still fairly decent for wanting to run around and scream during first period everyday Senior year.  I'm also not necessarily good at physical things that I don't understand: flying airplanes, rugby, teleportation.

In college I managed to graduate in the top 10% of my class, with a major that I drooled through with incompetence.  I am able to produce amazing assignments without ever letting the information click.  

I remember the day I realized my superpower.  It was halfway through junior year in COB300, where the majority of the semester was devoted to creating a business plan.  Once again, reminiscent of AP Physics, I wanted to run around and scream everyday.  I was sitting in Finance when myself and one other student got called up in front of a lecture hall of students to be honored in receiving acceptance into Beta Gamma Sigma internationally recognized business honors society.  I had never even heard of this organization before, but apparently everyone else in the room had, and was extremely congratulatory with hints of envy.

I remember returning to my seat and saying to my proud group members that maybe they should have given the award to someone who knew what was going on.

Now, I don't mean to bash International Business. Really, I had a lot of fun, and despite not retaining 85% of the information, I did learn a lot and wouldn't trade in the experience for anything. Consistent with my character, however, the information I retained has to do with the International part, not necessarily the Business portion.  And besides, sometimes you learn the most about yourself by discovering what it is you don't want to learn.

Today, I find myself taking online English literature classes, quite the opposite from International Business studies.  Finally I have found something that I am both good at and I understand.  That isn't to say that learning isn't difficult and that I haven't been challenged, but for once, I can actually look back at everything I have written over the past semester and a half and say wow!  that's good!  I get it!  Things make sense and I am finally grasping information that will make a lasting impression on my life.  I care about what I am learning, and I sit on the edge of my seat as I wait for grades to be posted.  The satisfaction in understanding something, trying your hardest and surpassing your superpower, and then receiving professor approval for your work is something I never thought I would experience!  

Here's to education and finding my niche!

"The Doctrine and Discipline of Divorce: Restored to the Good of Both Sexes"

John Milton.  I will never dote on him like my Shakespeare, but he speaks of some gripping matters.

In "The Doctrine and Discipline of Divorce", Milton fights the canonical law that states the only reason you can get divorced is adultery.  He delves into Matthew 5 where the church had taken Jesus' words and turned them into law, and argues that Jesus never meant that adultery was the only reason for divorce.  I will not focus on that for the purpose of this post since it is fairly convoluted.

Milton refers all the way back to Genesis to discover what the purpose of marriage is.  Why did God create Eve?  In the garden, Adam was romping around with all the animals, but he was still lonely.  There was a void that needed to be filled.  We all know the verse: "It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper suitable for him" (Gen 2:18, NIV).  God creates Eve to be Adam's helper.  This is marriage.  If Adam, in Paradise, needed a helper, how much more now does man, in a fallen world, need a hard-working, God-fearing, suitable wife to help him?

Considering we are fallen people, we make mistakes.  We may choose a spouse who is in fact not compatible.  Unfortunately, you probably won't find that out until after you're married and living in close quarters.  Milton actually condemns how hastily people get married.  We lazily go about our youthful lives, taking time in making decisions... except when it comes to marriage.  Society, friends, family, and even the Church, tend to influence us in the wrong direction and we become so desperate to get married that it doesn't matter to whom.  Upon marrying the wrong person, Milton says this:

Lest therefore so noble a creature as man should be shut up incurably under a worse evil by an easy mistake in that ordinance which God gave him to remedy a less evil, reaping to himself sorrow while he went to rid away solitariness, it cannot avoid to be concluded that if the woman be naturally so of disposition as will not help to remove, but help to increase that same Godforbidden loneliness which will in time draw on with it a general discomfort and dejection of mind not beseeming either Christian profession or moral conversation, unprofitable and dangerous to the commonwealth, when the household estate, out of which must flourish forth the vigour and spirit of all public enterprises, is so ill-contented and procured at home, and cannot be supported; such a marriage can be no marriage, whereto the most honest end is wanting; and the aggrieved person shall do more manly to be extraordinary and singular in claiming the due right whereof he is frustrated than to piece up his lost contentment by visiting the stews, or stepping to his neighbour's bed, which is the common shift in this misfortune; or else by suffering his useful life to waste away and be lost under a secret affliction of an unconscionable size to human strength.

As a woman, I have the power to either fulfill or increase the loneliness that man feels.  I have a lot of work to do before I ever put on that white dress.

Since the purpose of marriage is to fulfill that void of loneliness, there must be more to marriage than carnal pleasures.  There needs to be a total unification of spirit, soul, and body, in that order.  Believing that the only plausible reason for divorce is adultery, is believing that sex is the most important thing in your marriage.  This is shocking to realize.  What if your wife starts worshipping Satan?  (Extreme, ok, but you get the point.) What if she becomes a woman who cares not about you and your being, but only about your wallet?  What if your husband is emotionally or physically abusive?  When there are deeper impending issues, and when the man's loneliness is not being properly filled, THAT is when he commits adultery.  When a man is brought into a state of grief and loathing, or there are issues of idolatry and the unhappiness of souls, it is a much more legitimate reason to get divorced than simply adultery (which of course can be a path that unhappiness leads a spouse).   

Jesus on divorce says: "Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate" (Matt19:6, NIV).  But who says that your marriage was actually brought together by God?  God is merely a witness at your ceremony, not necessarily the one who joined you two.  Why should man try to keep together what God didn't even join in the first place?  In keeping with the character of God, if your marriage brings about more hatred than peace, it is not of Him.  When your marriage upholds peace and love, that is when God is in it and when God has joined the two.  In fact, by living in a situation where the relationship cannot be remedied, a failing marriage will affect the rest of your relationships, especially that with God.  Milton asks:

Where can be the peace and love which must invite God to such a house?  May it not be feared that the not divorcing of such a helpless disagreement will be the divorcing of God finally from such a place?  But it is a trial of our patience, they say: I grant it; but which of Job's afflictions were sent him with that law that he might not use means to remove any of them if he could?  And what if it subvert our patience and our faith too?

By being bound in a marriage that allows sin to enter, the effect is more separation from God, rather than seeking him out together.  But if you remove yourself from a hateful marriage, you allow God to have full reign over your single life once again.

...God prefers the free and cheerful worship of a Christian before the grievous and exacted observance of an unhappy marriage...

In a nation where divorce is 50%, and even higher in the church, it frightens me to even consider marriage.  Just because I may be against ever getting a divorce in favor of working through problems, no matter how hard, doesn't mean that my husband won't leave me without my consent.  After reading Milton's take on this issue (of which I just presented a mere smattering), I am no more willing to divorce, but encouraged to make sure I become the right woman and marry the right man, thus preventing the need to ever separate.

Haste, haste, to bring him laud!

Every year, without fail, my sister and I goof off at the Christmas Eve service.  I am surprised our parents have allowed us to sit next to each other all these years, but I see they are beginning to get in on it as well.  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em I suppose.

One of our goof off traditions is to laugh while singing "Haste, haste, to bring him laud!" in the sober classic What Child Is This?  Several years ago, I decided to stop pretending the word was "lard" and actually looked up "laud" in the dictionary.  Basically, as everybody in the world except for me probably knew, laud = praise.  Ok, that makes sense, I told myself... but I'm still going to laugh!

Last night my family and I attended the 11:00 service after a fantastic three hour French dining experience.  We were more tired than usual, but still willing to be obnoxious in church.  Things began normally as we eagerly anticipated the chorus to this beautiful song.  We sang it one time through and had our giggles.  On the second round, I got punched in the stomach.  

"Haste, haste, to bring him laud!"

Translation:  "Hurry up and don't wait a single second more to get up and praise Him!"  The urgency expressed in this line finally set in after years of giggling through the command.  My smile seceded.  I wanted to do nothing but dance in the aisles, but the sudden revelation of the meaning of these words kept me stunned in my seat.  The fact that everyone was sitting down as they passed communion would have made my sudden spurt a bit inappropriate as well... but I am ashamed now that I passed up the opportunity to dance like David.  

I felt anxious and excited for the rest of the night.  No, it wasn't because Santa was coming.  I could not wait to get back home, close myself in my room, and praise uninhibitedly and void of distractions.  I realized that this is my calling - to praise, not only immediately, but also with joy, and I could not wait to get it started.  He deserves every ounce of our worship and every molecule of our hearts (Happy Birthday, Jesus!).

As I laid in bed last night, I laughed as I usually do on Christmas Eve.  This time it wasn't due to silliness.  Instead, my laughter exploded from the joy of being unconditionally loved by my Creator.  I fell asleep whispering sweet nothings to Jesus, (which really mean everything to him), wishing I could have stayed awake to bring him laud all night.  

Hair on the bathroom sink

I don't think girls ever grow out of cutting their own bangs.

I had coffee with a friend today who commented on the status of my hair.  "Did you get a hair cut?" he asked.

"Nope...I'm actually trying to grow it out."

"Oh...it looks like your bangs are shorter," he responded with an unusually keen eye for a gentleman.

"Oh...well, I cut my own bangs.  Maybe that's why."  

I don't think I ever cut my bangs as a child, but in my adulthood they have a bi-monthly date with my scissors.  

We then recalled the night I met him and his four year old daughter.  Her bangs were jagged in the way only a preschooler could chop them.  He rolled his eyes and smiled over the antics of his child.  

Some things never change about the female species.

Just call me Mary

In college I went through a book with a girlfriend; Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver.  It was decent and definitely worth the read, and it instigated attempts at becoming more laid back, resting in God's presence, and not always having to be a do-er.  

What I realized today during our Thanksgiving feast is that I am a Mary.  I don't think I ever was a Martha, but alas, I got caught up with the trendy reads.  Sitting in the dining room with my brilliantly cultured uncle and his European, fellow vegetarian wife, drinking four different types of wine throughout the evening and speaking on topics from European culture, to literature, and the newest happenings in Greenwich Village appeals to me more than standing over a hot stove with my grandmother, mother, and sister, butchering the turkey with a thirty year old carving knife. 

Usually my hands are more useful in the creation of side dishes and baked goods, but this Thanksgiving I cooked nothing.  Actually, I nearly vomited this morning when I walked in on my mother with her hand underneath the turkey skin rubbing it with spices, in what looked like something out of Silence of the Lambs.  

I have completely migrated to one end of the spectrum.  Not that my Mary-heart has made me complacent and unmotivated to do God's work and serve others, but I would much rather be driving around aimlessly in my car singing praise at the top of my lungs, than washing dishes after a church dinner.  I am not unwilling to do these things, but I find pleasure in spending time with people and just resting.  

Is this bad?  Is this balanced?  Thoughts?

On a side note, it might not be such a bad idea to revert back to how Thanksgiving was once celebrated; with fasting and prayer.

I wish some fictional characters were real... and my friends.

You know you are a nerd when you thrive off of the local library's bi-annual booksale and the one gift you want for Christmas this year is a bookshelf (perhaps not as nerdy as my desire for years to have an overhead projector... but that is for another time). You know you are a bigger nerd when your excitement busts through the windows when your mother tells you she was already planning on giving you said bookshelf (even if it is just to clean up your room because there are literally books stacked in every corner... you should see it... I could build a fort!).

A year ago, the high school English department head (yes, the same woman who sparked the infamous political fiasco in the work room from my earlier post) asked me what my favorite part about reading was.  At that point, I was completely dumfounded... and just plain old dumb.  Everyone knows I love to read, but no one has ever asked me why.   I made up some bull-crud about how I like to be transported to the author's world and yada yada.  Although true, that question has lingered and the answer has matured.

Over the past four months as I have re-entered college and begun to tackle a book list of 50+ masterpieces that every English teacher needs to be well-versed in, I am finding that over and over again, these author's are able to tap into the core of human nature.  The ability to reveal such things so eloquently, and the realization that there really "is nothing new under the sun" (thanks Solomon!) is fascinating.  The way a slew of words written centuries ago continues to speak to my inner-being makes me chuckle.  This is my favorite part about reading.

I found myself literally crying over the death of one of Steinbeck's characters who felt like my own grandfather (with an Irish farmer twist), and yelled at Edith Warton's weak male characters (because her females who were discovering what love is wouldn't do it themselves).  This is what makes reading so good.  The intricacies and reality of human behavior and emotions are embodied and eternalized in the written word.  

Currently I am drudging through one of Shakespeare's lesser known plays, Coriolanus.  It is not my favorite, but majestic nonetheless.

Coriolanus is basically this Roman war hero who is a huge a-hole and ends up being a traitor to his people.  After he is banished, his lunatic of a mother approaches the men who exiled him, proclaiming that it was wrong to banish a man whose wounds he accumulated for Rome spoke louder than his words against Rome.

The tribune replied:

"I would he had continued to his country

As he began, and not unknit himself

The noble knot he made." (Act 4 scene 2 line 30-32)

Coriolanus was a noble Roman.  He was a loyal Roman in regards to his service on the battlefield in protecting his fellow citizens.  The people looked upon him with much respect, knowing not his heart.  But when he spoke as he did and showed his true feelings to Rome, all loyalty was broken.  

Acting upon the love you profess is necessary (oh how I know the hurts of someone who is all talk and no action).  What is less talked about in the Church is that you can't just do things without love.  Coriolanus is guilty as charged.  He desired to unify, build up and fight for Rome, but he loved not the Romans.  In fact, his character showed him to be a proud man, unwilling to apologize and humble himself for his wrongs.

What of us?  When we use our spiritual gifts, are they backed with love?  When we attempt to edify our Church, is love the underlying bedrock?  When we feed the poor, do we do it in love, or in pride?  If our words left our hearts and went immediately to our tongues without the filter of the mind, what would it say?  Would our heart scream of love for others and love for God, or would it proclaim solely love for self?

Are we all a bunch of CoriolANUSes (pun intended), acting in pride and raising ourselves above others?  Or are we acting as the image of God, remaining loyal in both heart and deed to the one who created us, and the others he created?

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing"  1 Corinthians 13:1-3, NIV.

This isn't rocket science.  It's just a realization I had today.  I suppose this is yet another facet of the wonderful call to "integrity" that we are given.

Integrity For Beginners

"What if every Christ follower on the planet was a man or woman of total integrity?  It would change the world."  This conversation starter gave me chills last night.

Integrity has always been a difficult concept for me to grasp.  In college, it was the dudes who focused on the "warrior-like men of integrity" issue while the chicks were busy trying to not think about those dudes and guard their hearts.  However, integrity is a characteristic that needs to infiltrate not only the 20-something males in colleges that have a 65/35 girl to guy ratio, but Christ followers as a whole, regardless of age, gender, or location.

Think about what came directly from Jesus' mouth:

"Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath; but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.'  But I tell you, Do not swear at all ... Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes', and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one" (Matthew 5:33-34, 37, NIV).

That is profound.  What if every Christ follower was a man of his word?  What if we never said anything we didn't mean?  What if we acted upon the things we've said?  What if when we tell a friend "I'll pray for you", we actually did it?  There would be no need to make promises and oaths, for we would all be naturally trustworthy men and women of our word.  

The face of the planet would be transformed if Christ followers everywhere actually followed Christ in one of his most noble traits.  What would happen if every Christian held onto the conviction of integrity, not for integrity's sake, but for the glory of God and the love of our neighbors?  

Pieces of heaven.  Restoration.  Souls awakening to the kingdom among us.  Freedom.  Unconditional love.  Joy.