New bloggish of sorts.

To my two readers:

I have a new blog!  I have recently joined my online universities blogging team, and so they have set up a nice new blog for me.  I will most likely be writing on that one, unless I have something more intimate and rambly to say, then I will revert back to this one.  But for now, that one will be the primary source of all things not so rambly.

So here it is:  http://regentcassandra.blogspot.com

Yay!

I have a gift.

I have a gift, and it is this:

I have the amazing supernatural ability to be good at things I don't understand.  I'm talking intellectual things that involve the cranium. Excluded from this ability is AP Physics in High School.  I didn't understand a word, and I got a C...which actually I suppose is still fairly decent for wanting to run around and scream during first period everyday Senior year.  I'm also not necessarily good at physical things that I don't understand: flying airplanes, rugby, teleportation.

In college I managed to graduate in the top 10% of my class, with a major that I drooled through with incompetence.  I am able to produce amazing assignments without ever letting the information click.  

I remember the day I realized my superpower.  It was halfway through junior year in COB300, where the majority of the semester was devoted to creating a business plan.  Once again, reminiscent of AP Physics, I wanted to run around and scream everyday.  I was sitting in Finance when myself and one other student got called up in front of a lecture hall of students to be honored in receiving acceptance into Beta Gamma Sigma internationally recognized business honors society.  I had never even heard of this organization before, but apparently everyone else in the room had, and was extremely congratulatory with hints of envy.

I remember returning to my seat and saying to my proud group members that maybe they should have given the award to someone who knew what was going on.

Now, I don't mean to bash International Business. Really, I had a lot of fun, and despite not retaining 85% of the information, I did learn a lot and wouldn't trade in the experience for anything. Consistent with my character, however, the information I retained has to do with the International part, not necessarily the Business portion.  And besides, sometimes you learn the most about yourself by discovering what it is you don't want to learn.

Today, I find myself taking online English literature classes, quite the opposite from International Business studies.  Finally I have found something that I am both good at and I understand.  That isn't to say that learning isn't difficult and that I haven't been challenged, but for once, I can actually look back at everything I have written over the past semester and a half and say wow!  that's good!  I get it!  Things make sense and I am finally grasping information that will make a lasting impression on my life.  I care about what I am learning, and I sit on the edge of my seat as I wait for grades to be posted.  The satisfaction in understanding something, trying your hardest and surpassing your superpower, and then receiving professor approval for your work is something I never thought I would experience!  

Here's to education and finding my niche!

On Writing, By: me...not Stephen King

My creative writing course is sadly coming to a close.  I had fun and definitely took away new techniques to improve my writing (we'll see if I actually use them).

If anyone is looking for an excellent book to help with the art of writing, I would highly recommend my textbook for this course: Writing Fiction: A Guide to Narrative Craft by Janet Burroway and Elizabeth Stuckey-French.

During week one of class I read a quote in this compilation of short stories, lectures, practical methods, and unique exercises, that will probably slosh around in my brain for the rest of my life.

"The best fiction comes from the place where the terror hides, the edge of our worst stuff.  I believe, absolutely, that if you do not break out in that sweat of fear when you write, then you have not gone far enough." - Dorothy Allison

This is true.  And this is scary.

I did quite well grade wise in this class, but my most impressive grade and professor feedback came from an assignment that I wept through as I wrote.  The prompt entailed writing a dialogue between two characters who are having a hard time communicating.

I wrote inspired by a dear friend of mine who said something to me that week.  And then I wrote what had been in my heart for the past three years.  

What I wish had been said years ago.  

What I wish I had said that week.  

What I wish no one would ever know.

I cried as the characters played out the conversation I longed to have myself.  When it was completed, I was frightened by my honesty.  I considered deleting the entire work: something that had escaped from the pages of my journals to be seen by someone else's eyes.

Finally, after much self-consoling, I submitted the assignment, convincing myself that my professor in grading will look past my personal life, and probably won't even know it's a topic that isn't entirely fiction. (On second thought, what good piece of writing isn't inspired by real life events?...uh oh.  Abort! Abort!)

A few days later when grades were posted, I saw that he was impressed.  

Every piece I've written since then has seemed safe and boring.  There's no wow factor without vulnerability.

Unfortunately, Dorothy Allison, you're right.

And I'm terrified.

My Life on Wheels

I find it quite ironic that one of my students who I teach how to read has just published her biography while I struggle to even maintain a blog.

But in reality, she is an amazing woman who deserves all the notoriety in the world.  I don't know much about her life except that she's Jewish, confined to a wheel chair needing help for every physical need, and brings joy to my stressful days with her huge heart and persistent attitude.  

I haven't read her story as told to Shaindy Perl yet (mostly because I didn't have the cash to buy it off her today... yet another one of my inadequacies), but I am anticipating only good, spirit lifting fun.

Afterall, when I asked her if she wrote a chapter about me she said, "Why, the whole book is about you!"

...Wise guy.  =)

Review to come soon.

I'm a sucker.

I don't watch much TV.  In the times when I am cooking lunch in the kitchen, if I'm not watching the news, I'll flip on the Travel Channel (or ABC family for some nostalgic viewing experiences).

This commercial aired on the Travel Channel several years ago, and it used to make my heart ache.  

Just now, I found myself curious as to if I could find it on YouTube since I haven't seen it in about a year.

I'm sad to say that it still serves it's purpose in making me want to hop on a plane and go.

There is so much beauty in this world, and I want to see it all.

Anastasia

I was mad at God on Friday.

I've never actually been genuinely angry at God. Oh yes, I've had those "Really God? What are you doing?" moments, but on Friday, I was raging. It was only for a fraction of my day, but it was enough to draw me away from him and begin to doubt the promises he has already fulfilled in my life and those he will continue to be faithful with.

We had been praying as a small group for weeks that this little baby would be a girl.  In a matter of 24 hours, we found ourselves back at their house, praying that this little baby would resurrect from the dead.

The parents didn't take the doctor's word as the final answer.  They would bring it to Jesus for the next few days and see what he had to say about it.

Everything pointed to a resurrection.  The name they chose twelve years ago: Anastasia, which means "resurrection."  Prophetic words spoken over the couple, and her womb ten years ago.  Encouraging words given three weeks ago, the time the baby supposedly died.  The room full of hopeful prayers that night, as the mother sat with the most peaceful smile on her face.  There was an expectancy and anticipation in that room.  There was joy that overcame the mourning.  There was hope in the power of Christ; the same power that rose Christ from the dead felt so available at our very fingertips.

All for His glory.

We truly believed Anastasia would live.

We truly believed this would launch something huge in our church and throughout the state.

We truly believed this little baby would be born and grow to be a witness of God's power and compassion to the nations.

But on Friday, the heart didn't start.  The baby remained dead.  Three ultrasounds that day, just to make sure.

And I was angry.

"God is still good, but they did miscarry", the messenger told me on the phone.

God is still good, huh?

I didn't believe it.

How come, when Jesus was on this earth, he healed everyone who asked?  How come now, when we have the promise that we will see greater things than these, a room full of Christ followers, declaring new life in Jesus' name shows no results?

How come a plane lands flawlessly in the middle of a river without a single casualty, and then just a few weeks later, a plane crashes into a house with no survivors?

But God is bigger than all of this.  If we understood all of his facets, he wouldn't be God.

I had to put away my anger, and praise him for the boldness he has instilled in our church over the past three years.  The fact that we were able to meet as a group and actually ask him for something so huge is well...huge.  

Bill Johnson tells of his church (which sees miraculous healings and resurrections on a regular basis) that they had to fight to get to where they are.  They saw plenty of failures in the process.  Over the years they have seen numerous babies who have been declared dead in the womb, resurrect from the dead.  But what has hidden in the shadows is the story of one of the pastor's wives who many years ago (before they began seeing regular healings) had a miscarriage, and even after intense praying, the baby remained dead.

But their failures became their victories.  Instead of choosing the path of anger and discouragement, you begin to pray more fervently as you become even more desperate to see his glory.  As you find yourself crying out to God even more, you're able to see his heart clearer.  It's that alignment that reveals His kingdom on earth.

And who knows.  The story isn't over yet.  

No matter what the ultimate outcome of Anastasia's life, she will be a testimony.  The way God rose her from the dead, or the way He used her to instill a strong faith in a small Sunday night church community to ask Him for anything and keep seeking for his heart.

And besides, the fetus is still in the womb.  There's still hope.  

I need some Flame Broiled love!

I have actually been waiting for this new Holiday Hipsters song for about 2 months. Quite possibly their best one yet!

My friends are silly... and extremely talented.



To hear other Holiday Hipster songs, go here!